Pissed at the Wide World of Sports

1) In local news we made the dumbest trade ever, getting rid of Pudge for Kyle Farnsworth, a pitcher we got rid of three years ago and who boarded the fail boat the second he got here. He's giving Todd Jones a run for the worst closing pitcher in the Tigers bullpen. And Farnsworth's not even hot. The Tigers have some hot pitchers. Verlander, my Tiger. Robertson, delicious. Kenny Rogers, yes, please, to a Southern sugar daddy. (Side note: I love inter-league games, because the pitchers bat. It's the most embarrassing thing ever. A few weeks ago, Kenny Rogers was batting. Delightful. He actually has four career RBIs. FOUR!)

2) Fuck, I hate Todd Jones. Please retire. You're not Kenny Rogers, who was drafted four years before I was born and still kicks everyone's ass. You give everyone in Detroit unnecessary heart attacks in the eighth and ninth innings.

3) Phelps Watch. Yes, he is hot. And I saw my first Phelps Phan shirt yesterday at work. But I remember four years ago (in my Vicodin slur of a week, because I had my wisdom teeth removed) the talks of Mark Spitz and hey guess what? Bronze happened.. Oop. Yeah he's gotten much better but the pressure for him to win is unbearable. And I can't even do a proper flip turn to save my life. I also heard he's an ass in real life. But so is pretty much everyone who's famous so what else do you expect? God damn, he's an animal. Just watched him destroy the 100m Freestyle.

4) Brett Fuckin' Favre. I'm still pissed at your last name for not being spelled the way it sounds. And for you being a bitch about retiring and then coming back & going "I'm not the starting quarterback?! Why not?" Well you kinda retired and everyone was like "Okay let's move on." It's like Cast Away (damn, I hate that movie) when Tom Hanks returns home after four years to find Helen Hunt married to Chris Noth and she's like "Sorry, bitch, I thought you were dead so I went and got me a hotter man. Deuces." What was she supposed to do, divorce her new man and be like "Here, take care of my kid. I'm going back in time. Is that cool?" Same thing. They moved on. And so he goes to the Jets, a team somewhere in the bottoms of NF-Hell with the Lions. (Side note: we always do amazing in the pre-season. By November we're like "Fuck it, maybe next year." Hence why Detroit's Hockeytown.) His first practice, he fumbles and thus has to run a lap. I thought it was over something cool, like "Favre punched a teammate and then kicked a reporter." It makes my Yahoo! front page, right up there with the Russia-Georgia conflict, election banter and gas prices dropping. It really is sad that, for every important thing in news, we have something else to divert our attention to. "Shit, Russia's doing it again. Cold War Two? Ah...oh look, Brett Favre had to run a lap at his first practice. Let's click through!"

5) I really think all other sports should stop for the Olympics. No baseball, no pre-season football, nothing. And nothing else should be on TV. Especially not I Love Money, nothing says bad TV like combining reality show 'stars' all together to make another reality show. I would love to watch the Olympics all day every day, but I can't because I have to live my life and it pisses me off. I want TVs everywhere constantly on the Olympics and a good amount of time off of work to watch them. Maybe have a guy feed me and hold a TV constantly in front of me. He can watch, too, because everyone should watch the Olympics. At least the US is a women's fencing powerhouse. Who knew? Hence why I love the Olympics. Summer Olympics. The Winter ones are kinda lame. Ice skating & hockey, okay, cool. And curling is The Shit. The rest just makes me go 'Shit it's cold.' Go Olympics. I'm not pissed at you. You're awesome.