Five Things I Thought About This Week Due To My Amounts of Free Time

1. I hate breakfast. Every diet, every doctor, every person ever's like 'Eat breakfast.' No. It involves two of my least favorite things: eating shitty food and getting up early. And when people want to go out to restaurants for breakfast, there is barely anything left I trust to order. Too many undercooked eggs and mushy pancake centers. I then downgrade and get lumpy shits of oatmeal or burnt bagel halves. Bacon is God's Meat but if it's undercooked, it's like fatty flesh strips. Dear Restaurants, make better breakfast food and have breakfast after 11am. Love, Ruth.

2. It's an "authentic blend of 23 flavors" and not one of them are close to delicious. Dr. Pepper is the most disgusting beverage ever. Vernors comes at a close second, but it's a Michigan product, so it ranks a smidgen higher. The fact that people ask for it at least once a shift at the restaurant makes me want to give up pop for the rest of my life. And it comes up with more flavors to add to make it even less delectable, like Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr. Pepper. How does that sound good to anyone? Diet pop is already a fucking abomination to soft drink drinkers everywhere. So let's add things that aren't good for a diet, like chocolate and cherries and add that to an already disgusting beverage. Yum.

3. Frozen margaritas. Smoothies. Starbucks Frappucinos. What do these things have in common? When they are not blended properly, there are ice chunks at the bottom. And it's a pain in the ass. I feel like I got cheated on my drink. It wasn't iced enough. But, unlike Dr. Pepper, they are also all very delicious drinks nonetheless.
4. My cat Bijou's in heat. It sounds awful, like a mouse violin sped up to the rhythm of meow. I'm so glad women don't do that. What if we walked around, moaning all day 'I'm horny'? Guys would be all over us nonstop. The whores would like it. Maybe not me. Maybe.

5. I love meeting new people and talking to them and finding out their major, where they go to school, etc. I don't love meeting new people and ten minutes later, you know that her parents got divorced, she was abused as a child, she failed her chem class last semester, she just got her hair cut, her car she purchased from her ex-boyfriend who cheated on her with her 19 year old neighbor who is such a NOBODY CARES. NOBODY CARES. Wow. I hate that. We all got problems, bro. Keep it under wraps until we've hung out a few times and we're okay friends or something. Like right off the bat, I like light-hearted banter. We'll get deeper later. I like to ease into the pool, not jump right in and hear about horrible life stories of a person I've known for a few minutes and thus have no real compassion for.

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay is amazing. I take a huge interest in overly crude comedy.