Pet Peeve: Engagement Ring Liars

I'm not even close to getting engaged. I'm what you would call a 'prospective wife', with my occasional browsing of David's Bridal.com and Tiffany & Co. or my account on theknot.com. Even though I'm registered as an elusive bridesmaid, the log in says "Welcome, Ruth & empty space! You have a billion days left until your wedding!" (Side note: if you do possess a vagina, you should get registered on theknot.com now. Like right now, after you finish reading my blog. My wedding is pretty much planned. Just insert guy.) No men on the horizon. Crushes, of course, but when my head's not in the clouds, I realize I most likely don't have a future with these freaks.

So because I had an evening off from life, and because no one likes returning my calls, I was on Tiffany & Co.'s website. It's like porn for some women, me included. Nothing turns me on more than looking at engagement rings, or wedding shit in general, and that's unfortunate. It's like the one scene of The 40 Year Old Virgin, when Cal is telling Andy about how horny women are when one of their friends are getting married. Except none of my friends are getting married. Holy hell, I couldn't imagine what I'll be like when one of my friends gets engaged. I won't be able to leave the house. I picked out my ring, and just in case my future husband stumbles upon my blog, why don't I tell you about it? Platinum ring, .25 or .5 carat princess cut, Tiffany only. "Ruth you bitch. What if he can't afford it?" We're looking at about 1,200. If that's any man's three-month salary, he doesn't sound like a good provider. And I don't give a shit if it's an old rule. I have to wear this ring for the rest of my life. It's not superficial. I just want something quality and gorgeous. Look up what my ring is, you'll be like "Oh Ruth doesn't care about status. She just likes class. And that's classy, all right." Oh! And we can get his band from Tiff as well so they match OMG so cute!!! (clears throat)

Apparently it's a women thing with the whole 3-month-salary thing (according to other blogs, which are the most reliable sources). Guys giving their brides a fake stone, a secondhand stone, fake metals and never telling her. "Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Cubic zirconias are a guy's." WHAT?! Starting a marriage off with lies to save some cash? Look, if she's a cheapskate like you and you talked it over with her, then it's fine to skimp on the ring. If you know she'd slap the shit out of you if you suggested a cheap ring (points to self) then don't do it. It's all about what your woman wants. Happy wife, happy life. (God, I can't wait to get married and by law be allowed to tell him what to do.)

I don't ask for a lot. I consider myself a cheap date (and attempt to pay my portion, which is emasculating, from what I've heard). I'm not overly needy nor bratty. Which is why I'm deserving of a badass engagement ring. I'm going to be cutting corners for the rest of my life trying to make a marriage work. The least you (whoever you are) can do is splurge a bit on the biggest gift of my life. (Note: this article is null and void if it's a heirloom diamond. Tradition kicks Tiffany's ass any day.)

I promise I won't purchase the 285 dollar Alphabet Bears spoon and fork set from Tiffany for our children.

Maybe the 1,225 dollar sterling silver piggy bank, though. That's soooo cute omgzz...Jesus.