Pet Peeve - Sororihoes, Christmas and Children That Like the Soulja Boy

You ever been to a party and can smell the skeeziness? It's radiating off of the guys and girls. You can smell it off their suits, their Patron and their chocolate-covered strawberries. Or maybe it's their stilettos, the dresses barely covering the cooch and the provocative dance moves with a Smirnoff Ice in hand. I don't give a damn what fraternity, sorority, grade, college you're in...stop it. Just stop it. I don't want to see it happen. Yeah I'm a Debbie Downer, whatever, don't act like you have no self worth.

Anyway, last week I spent about an hour in the second-highest-store-where-my-money-goes, Michaels. (Target is by far the first.) I usually spend a good fifteen looking at scrapbook paper packs and cute stickers. I then venture around looking at some of the wood stuff that I can paint and the 80,000 different paints and paint colors. I mosey through the ugly DIY Wedding shit that radiates "I got knocked up and I need to get married NOW" and the nauseatingly fake fake flower aisle filled to the brim with grandmas making sick wreaths for every stupid occasion ever.

Then it's off to the clearance aisle. I orgasm at the amount of textured paper packs marked down to super reasonable prices. 30 sheets for 1.99? Holy mother of God, yes! I'll so be prepared when I need to make unGodly amounts of flowery pink scrapbook pages with textured frames. But right next to the clearance aisle, in between the Halloween decorations (and those so-fucking-annoying witches that cackle and have eyes that light up), it happened.

Christmas took a big shit at Michaels.

We're talking an eight-flusher, 1/3rd of the roll, haven't-shat-in-ages Christmas shit. Snowmen, Christmas lights, evergreens, Santa, Santa, motherfucking Santa. Lewis Black is right in saying that they're no Thanksgiving anymore. When I was a kid, there were at least a half aisle of cornucopias and make-your-own-hand-turkey-books chilling out to buffer between jack-o-laterns and Nativity lawn ornaments. Not anymore. Thanksgiving doesn't exist as a holiday. I heard they were planning on changing it to National Eating Marathon Day. That's all it is. On Thanksgiving we eat until we pass out, get up a couple hours later and eat some more. We don't sit around and go 'Wow, I'm really happy the Indians that survived smallpox ate dinner with the bastard Pilgrims that gave it to them.' Thanksgiving's a harvest holiday. Last time I checked, I don't harvest shit. We don't even can tomatoes anymore in my house. So maybe that's why they got rid of it, once they realized we don't have deep 'I'm thankful for my family and friends' conversations at the table because we're too busy stuffing our chipmunk cheeks with turkey and green bean casserole.

Regardless, it's September. People went back to school three weeks ago. They're still on their first batch of pencils and Michaels is like 'CHRISTMAS IS COMING. OMGZZ BYE SNOMENZ NOWWIE WOWWIE." Thanks, assholes, for ruining Jesus' birthday. I'm not ready for that shit. If people started preparing for my birthday in October, I'd be pissed. "Ruth, what do you plan on doing for your birthday?" "I have no fucking idea. I'll decide after Halloween, Thanksgiving, finals week, Christmas, New Years. Maybe around New Year's I'll come up with something." Let's enjoy the holidays in a reasonable amount of enjoyment. Advent's four weeks. That's plenty of anticipation time for Jesus. Let's not bust it out when the leaves are still green, okay bros?

Side note: you know how Mohammad (and the eighty other spellings that go with it) is the most popular name in the world and it's the name of the Prophet of Islam? Why don't more American Christians name their kids Jesus? I mean, Jesus (pronounced Hey-soos) is popular south of the Rio. I don't know, though, about being the only kid named Jesus in school. All the crucifixion jokes...I'd meet it half way and name my cat or dog Jesus. Then I could yell 'Jesus!' and it'd be okay because it's my pet's name. "Jesus, get in here! Get in the house....no, no, Jesus! Damn it! Don't pee on the floor, Jesus!" Tell me that wouldn't be awesome. (lighting strikes over my head but does not hit me.) Thanks for the warning, Bro Upstairs.

One more thing that pissed me off: I was at the doctor's reading an article in People. It was like an actor/actress issue with their children. Blablabla Shiloh's soooo cut blablabla Matilda Ledger blablablablaSuri Cruise blablabla over privileged. One article stood out, though, about Solange Knowles and her son, Julez. (Don't get me started on the letter Z.) But yeah, they had a soundtrack of songs that he just LOVES to sing. And what was one? Soulja Boy. Verbatim from the article:
"Julez gets this little baby thug face when it comes on. The words are harmless so I get a kick out of him singing 'Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu'."

Yeah I thinking 'Superman that hoe' is pretty harmless too. Has the KidzBop version of this song come out yet? Please let me know when it does, because I will be putting it on every mix CD from now until the end of time.